i'm lonely and i'm forcing myself to be okay with it

Exactly like the title of this post says, I've been feeling lonely lately, but I'm forcing myself to be okay with it. Aside from the fact that I can't just magically fix my loneliness problem even if I wanted to, a friend told me something that really resonated with me in a weird roundabout way a few days ago. But as a preface, I've sort of, on-and-off liked this guy for the past two months or so. It's weird, I know. Anyway, he's really nice guy all around, in every respect that you could possibly imagine from that sole description. He's nice to literally everyone that he interacts with (including people I don't like, which actually just makes him all that more attractive personality-wise), he's smart, quieter, and hard to read (three things which apparently construct my "type" from past experiences), and he also just makes a legitimate effort in all of his relationships, which is so huge for me. We hang out on an almost daily basis, and oh, he's also one of the very few people who will actually text me to find out where I am and then tell me to come sit with him, do homework with him, or just sit outside in the sun with him. Basically, he's really great and I need to stop going on about him.

Oh, slight problem. I'm still pretty sure he's straight, but I also can't be completely totally sure

This all adds up to my whole sort of, on-and-off attraction to him. Some days I just really wish we were a thing, but some days I'm just very content with our friendship and can't really think of it going anywhere else.

At any rate, I was with two of my best friends a few days ago and we just so happened to be talking about relationships. One of them is in a relatively serious relationship and the other has someone where they definitely like each other, but it's sort of ambiguous. Just roll with it. I do.

But so, we're talking about all that when I mentioned this guy that I just spent half a page describing. These two friends knew about the situation, so I didn't have to explain it to them, but I did repeat the fact that it was a weird thing just because I'm not sure whether he's straight or not. Now, at this point our conversation had been pretty lighthearted, but then my friend in the relatively serious relationship turned to me and said in all seriousness: "I think you can do a lot better than him."

I was sort of taken aback by that at first, and I think I might've actually been a little upset, but I've been thinking about what she said and I think she's right.

And that isn't to discount any of the really good things that I said about this guy, because I still mean everything I wrote about him above. He's really great, but I also think it's super important for anyone, but especially people like us not to settle just because we're feeling lonely, and I think that's sort of what I was doing mentally when I thought about us being together. Again, this guy is a wonderful friend to me. Don't get that wrong. But I think that a lot of people "could do better than him/her."

Basically what I'm trying to say in this discombobulated mess of a post is that we have to be careful of falling into relationships just because we're lonely, because those relationships can turn out alright, but at least from what I've seen, they tend to end badly because they were unhealthy to begin with. And I know that's such a hard thing to hear, especially for people like us. Trust me. I've been feeling really lonely recently, even just in terms of the fact that I feel like there aren't that many other people out there who share my beliefs on being gay and being a Christian, so I know that it's hard.

But again, I'm lonely and I'm forcing myself to be okay with it, because just having a relationship in and of itself isn't going to fix that. I'm a firm believer in the idea that you should be okay being alone and being by yourself before you're ready for a relationship. And a lot of the time that sucks, but I have personally witnessed three friends just in the past few months who have found relationships right after they finally felt okay being single. And I think that's the coolest thing ever, even though I know that they struggled to get to that point.

But I believe that God does want the best for us. The only thing is that He does everything according to His timing, and we can't see His timeline. So we just have to be patient and wait on Him. He says in His Word that He wants to give us every good thing. I believe that. I believe that God hasn't put us on this earth just to suffer. I believe that He will cause us to flourish and enjoy whatever He has called us to.

So anyway, that's what I wanted to say. This post is a mess, but I mean, so are my thoughts on this whole entire situation and what God's been trying to teach me. What do you guys think? Anything like this happen to you?

w i s t f u l

Not to post something really melancholy again, but the whole situation surrounding Valentine's Day got me in a really pensive mood last night, and the way that I always remedy that is by writing. It's something that I love to do, whether it's short stories, (attempts at) poems, letters to no one, or just a stream of my consciousness directed onto a page. It always helps me sort through the whirlwind of emotions that I'm constantly bombarded with, and a lot of the time it will give me some perspective on life while also giving me a good chance to just reflect and turn some less ideal situations into more wistful ones, in a good way. Plus, I just really enjoy the act of writing, the sensation of the ink or pencil lead flowing onto the page so smoothly. It's therapuetic to me. So that's what I've got for you again today: a piece of writing and a song:

Dear No One...

It's days like this that I wish I had someone, days when everyone is out with their someone and I'm sitting here in my room just thinking about what that might possibly be like. I guess I don't even really know what to imagine. But maybe by the time the graphite on this page has been smeared unreadable I will. Maybe. But that maybe feels really far away, an eternity away if I'm being honest with myself. I just wonder how high my high score of Valentine's Days sans a someone will get before then... I can't even imagine what that would be like, having a someone. Maybe it's an impossibility. But I can at least dream about it, can't I? I can dream about having someone to hold and someone to hold me, someone to write me notes and letters just because, someone to watch shows and read books with me, even if he doesn't like them, just because I do, and someone for whom I can do the same. And yes. I wrote 'he.' There's actually not an 's' missing. That's the day I'm waiting for, trying to imagine right now, sitting in my room by myself on Valentine's Day with needtobreathe on, the day I have someone who never tires of listening to me, someone who I can sit with and listen to without feeling like I need to say anything at all, someone to give me long hugs when I need them, someone to spend quiet mornings over tea with, someone to go on walks and roadtrips with, someone with whom I can comfortably sit in silence with, someone who gives me that emotional, surreal feeling, like it can't possibly be real. And it isn't yet. That's why I'm still waiting, waiting for someone I never have to worry about, someone who wants to talk to me, someone who challenges me, someone who makes me better, someone who makes me smile just because I'm with him, someone to hold my hand, someone to catch me off guard with a kiss on the cheek, someone who's just different enough that I keep learning new things about him, someone who will cook with me while music is going in the kitchen, someone who will sit with me at the piano and sing for fun, someone who will stay with me when I'm sick, someone who will do random, spontaneous things with me, someone who my friends and family will love, someone who I can love, someone who will love me, someone who will pray with me, someone who will read the Word with me and point me toward Jesus, someone who loves Jesus himself. And there are a million more things that I could say that I'm waiting for, a million things that I'm so impatient for, but until then I'm waiting, here in my room on this 2015, Saturday Valentine's Day.

So that's where my thoughts went last night. Any of you feeling the same way? Because I feel like that a lot. Anyway, here's that song I promised. I'm really not quite yet on the same level of contentedness and satisfaction that Tori Kelly is, but I still like the song. Haha.  Let me know your thoughts on any of this. I love talking with people.