w i s t f u l

Not to post something really melancholy again, but the whole situation surrounding Valentine's Day got me in a really pensive mood last night, and the way that I always remedy that is by writing. It's something that I love to do, whether it's short stories, (attempts at) poems, letters to no one, or just a stream of my consciousness directed onto a page. It always helps me sort through the whirlwind of emotions that I'm constantly bombarded with, and a lot of the time it will give me some perspective on life while also giving me a good chance to just reflect and turn some less ideal situations into more wistful ones, in a good way. Plus, I just really enjoy the act of writing, the sensation of the ink or pencil lead flowing onto the page so smoothly. It's therapuetic to me. So that's what I've got for you again today: a piece of writing and a song:

Dear No One...

It's days like this that I wish I had someone, days when everyone is out with their someone and I'm sitting here in my room just thinking about what that might possibly be like. I guess I don't even really know what to imagine. But maybe by the time the graphite on this page has been smeared unreadable I will. Maybe. But that maybe feels really far away, an eternity away if I'm being honest with myself. I just wonder how high my high score of Valentine's Days sans a someone will get before then... I can't even imagine what that would be like, having a someone. Maybe it's an impossibility. But I can at least dream about it, can't I? I can dream about having someone to hold and someone to hold me, someone to write me notes and letters just because, someone to watch shows and read books with me, even if he doesn't like them, just because I do, and someone for whom I can do the same. And yes. I wrote 'he.' There's actually not an 's' missing. That's the day I'm waiting for, trying to imagine right now, sitting in my room by myself on Valentine's Day with needtobreathe on, the day I have someone who never tires of listening to me, someone who I can sit with and listen to without feeling like I need to say anything at all, someone to give me long hugs when I need them, someone to spend quiet mornings over tea with, someone to go on walks and roadtrips with, someone with whom I can comfortably sit in silence with, someone who gives me that emotional, surreal feeling, like it can't possibly be real. And it isn't yet. That's why I'm still waiting, waiting for someone I never have to worry about, someone who wants to talk to me, someone who challenges me, someone who makes me better, someone who makes me smile just because I'm with him, someone to hold my hand, someone to catch me off guard with a kiss on the cheek, someone who's just different enough that I keep learning new things about him, someone who will cook with me while music is going in the kitchen, someone who will sit with me at the piano and sing for fun, someone who will stay with me when I'm sick, someone who will do random, spontaneous things with me, someone who my friends and family will love, someone who I can love, someone who will love me, someone who will pray with me, someone who will read the Word with me and point me toward Jesus, someone who loves Jesus himself. And there are a million more things that I could say that I'm waiting for, a million things that I'm so impatient for, but until then I'm waiting, here in my room on this 2015, Saturday Valentine's Day.

So that's where my thoughts went last night. Any of you feeling the same way? Because I feel like that a lot. Anyway, here's that song I promised. I'm really not quite yet on the same level of contentedness and satisfaction that Tori Kelly is, but I still like the song. Haha.  Let me know your thoughts on any of this. I love talking with people.


v - d a y

It's been a little while since I last shared anything with you guys. It also happens to be a day that many people, gay Christians included, tend to dread. It's Valentine's Day. I know firsthand how difficult and disappointing this day can be. I mean, I think there's a reason that all of my friends banded together to celebrate Singles Awareness Day in high school in protest to this holiday that just seems to celebrate what everyone has that you don't. It's actually really interesting that the United States has such a fascination with the romantic love aspect of Valentine's Day, because in other countries the focus tends to be on all love, not just romantic love. For example, in many Latin American countries, the holiday is called "El Día del Amor y Amistad" instead, which translates to "The Day of Love and Friendship." But regardless, I definitely understand the loneliness and bitterness that can take over many people come Valentine's Day, especially in this country.

For that reason, instead of a "real" post today, I want to share a prayer with you instead.

Praying, specifically, writing out all my prayers, tends to do a lot more for me than simply praying out loud or in my mind because I can gather all my thoughts and actually express them the way I want to. Another reason for this is that I think it's super important to encourage ourselves and one another on days like this when it honestly does feel like it's us vs. the world. Because seriously, if you think that I'm just having a fantastic day because I happen to be writing this kind of blog, you'd be wrong. After many Valentine's Days spent alone, I'm beginning to think that the whole concept is getting really old too, but I'm determined to be patient and wait on the Lord during these times. So for tonight, I'm staying in, listening to some worship music, reading the Word, and maybe journaling a little to take my mind off of things. After all, we can still take joy in this day, because we are loved by Love Himself. So here's my prayer for myself and for others like me on this 2015 Valentine's Day:

Father of Lights,

I really want to trust You, I really do, but on days like this it feels like that is almost impossible. Today is the day that the whole world is celebrating something that I have never experienced, that some would tell me that I will never get to have, and that's really hard to think about. My soul really does feel crushed by the weight of this world today. So wrap me up in Your love. Remind me that You love me, that I am loved by Love Himself, the One who will never let me go, the One who gave up His very life for me, the One who promises that He will never leave my side no matter what storms of life may come. God, it's been many, many years. You know what I long for and You know what is good for me. You know how hard this day can be, what it feels like to be alone, and You have said in Your word that we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses. And I'm thankful for that Lord. So help us trust You. Help us see more of You. Help us to love You more than we ever thought was possible. Help us remember that we are lacking nothing. Help us remember that if we have You, we have everything. We come before You with empty hands, bringing nothing except our broken and weary spirits. We have nothing that we can offer You, O Lord, and yet You love us anyway. You love us despite all of our fears, failures, and mistakes. You love us even when we do not love You and when we turn away and chase after the things of this world. You have loved us for all of eternity, beyond both the beginning and end of time. You have loved us, even after knowing all of the things that we would do to hurt You and to bring You pain in this life. Still, You loved us and still You do. So, remind us of Your great, neverending love for us and let Your presence and spirit fill all of our lives. Remind us that You have promised that You are here with us and that You always will be. Remind us that You have a plan for our lives and that You are a good and gracious Father. Remind us to run to You and seek shelter in Your arms when we feel like we can't take what the world is throwing at us. Remind us that You will protect us and love us always. Remind us that when it seems like no one else will or can love us, that You do. Remind us that You will never leave us. Remind us that You have great, magnificent things in store for us that we can't even begin to see or comprehend yet. Remind us that we are never alone. So, Father of all Lights and all Love, thank You for loving us. Thank You for caring for us. Thank You that You are good and that You are great. Thank You for your unending love.

In the name of Jesus, Amen.

So yeah, think about some of those things for today. Our God hasn't called us to barely scrape by an existence in this world. He has called us to life, and life to the full. So don't stop trusting Him just because you're experiencing another lonely Valentine's Day. Trust me. I've been waiting for the Lord to give me someone for a while now, but that doesn't mean He isn't good. He's just having me wait a little longer that I would like. So always remember that God is Love and that He is good and that you are never alone. Jesus loves you today, so here's a few songs for you. Have a fantastic rest of your Valentine's Day.[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kK22S9tuw4[/embed]