Hi, hello, blogosphere! I'm back after a month long hiatus, thanks to first year grad school finals and all other chaotic things flying through life the second half of May. I'm not exactly sure what I'm back to say in this post exactly. All I know is a lot has been whirling through my head over the last month or so and I've been wanting to write again. So, here I am.
As I've seen a lot of friends I hadn't seen for a while over the last couple weeks (since OBVIOUSLY my social life also suffered in the midst of writing all my final papers and then just wanting to be a hermit for several days immediately after), people have been asking me how I've been doing and what my plans are for the summer since I don't have class. After doing that classic Minnesota (and Asian thing) where I mitigate the effect of having a free summer by saying that this will be my only class-free summer because I'll have class every summer after this one until I graduate, I've found myself at a slight loss for words. This isn't necessarily because I don't know what I want to do with this stretch of three months or because I don't have any definite goals, but it's more because I'm entering this summer in a completely different state of mind, emotions, a completely different state of everything than before, a hard reset if you will. (I've also been using the phrase "if you will" quite a bit, and I can't tell if it makes me sound pretentious or not...oh well.)
Like I was saying in one of my last posts before this whole involuntary one month hiatus due to stress and exhaustion, life has changed immensely and also not at all over this first half of 2018. In many ways, that still feels true, and at the same time, I'm able to recognize that along with the school year ending, another significant chapter in my life has come to an end. Though no major outward changes have taken place, which typically signal life stage shifts, like living arrangements, jobs, school, etc., the start of the summer just FEELS like a new arc in life.
i'm entering summer with a completely different state of everything than before, a hard reset if you will
And so, as people around me have asked what my plans for the summer are, what I keep telling them is that right now I'm just trying to take this summer to recalibrate basically the entirety of my life. For about the last year or year and a half or so, I feel as though I've been running at a million miles per hour, with small walk breaks here and there, but generally at a consistent pace, and now that a lot of things have finally settled, I think it's time to finally slow down a little bit and take a look at where everything has fallen. Then after that, I can start preparing for more changes that will inevitably come with the end of the summer.
Here are just some of the things I'm trying to internally tackle during this period of recalibration and reorientation this summer:
- The fact and truth that it's okay (and, in fact, healthy!!!) not to do absolutely everything you can at every single moment, because you'll burn yourself out.
- As a corollary, the fact that I am a limited human being and that there will be a time and place for all the things I want to do, even if that time isn't right here, right now.
- It's okay to dance during the revolution, because you can't have your nose to the grindstone every second of every day. That'll burn you out too.
- Learning to appreciate the small, intangible things in life, like soothing sound and smell of rain, the subtle sizzle of the sun on your skin, and ache in your stomach from laughing hard.
- The lingering fear that every relationship in my life is going to be like my last one: shaky, uncertain, anxiety-inducing, worrisome, and every other feeling that makes you want to swear off partnership for the rest of your life, because it doesn't seem worth it to potentially put yourself through that same ordeal again.
Essentially, it seems like part of my hard summer reset is going to deal with confronting the different ways in which anxiety metamorphoses itself to continue to harass me. But I suppose that's fine, when I think about it. If I've already dealt it a hard enough blow that the little asshole needs to get extra creative in its ways to torment me, then so be it. Game on.
PART OF MY HARD SUMMER RESET IS GOING TO DEAL WITH CONFRONTING THE DIFFERENT WAYS ANXIETY METAMORPHOSES ITSELF. GAME ON.
In a much different way than the rest of the year has unfolded, it seems as if this summer is continuing the tradition of life handing me a sizable challenge over this next intermediary period of life, but I think for the first time, I'm realizing that this isn't my rookie season anymore. I've got a little more experience facing the change-ups that these "slower" valleys of life try to use to get you off balance, so I know at least a little of what to expect. So, we'll see how this summer season goes.
Let the games begin.
Coming up next: some thoughts on meeting up with Twitter friends IRL, PRIDE MONTH, and more!
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