Mental Health

hard reset: some thoughts on summer

hard reset: some thoughts on summer

Hi, hello, blogosphere! I'm back after a month long hiatus, thanks to first year grad school finals and all other chaotic things flying through life the second half of May. I'm not exactly sure what I'm back to say in this post exactly. All I know is a lot has been whirling through my head over the last month or so and I've been wanting to write again. So, here I am.

As I've seen a lot of friends I hadn't seen for a while over the last couple weeks (since OBVIOUSLY my social life also suffered in the midst of writing all my final papers and then just wanting to be a hermit for several days immediately after), people have been asking me how I've been doing and what my plans are for the summer since I don't have class. After doing that classic Minnesota (and Asian thing) where I mitigate the effect of having a free summer by saying that this will be my only class-free summer because I'll have class every summer after this one until I graduate, I've found myself at a slight loss for words. This isn't necessarily because I don't know what I want to do with this stretch of three months or because I don't have any definite goals, but it's more because I'm entering this summer in a completely different state of mind, emotions, a completely different state of everything than before, a hard reset if you will. (I've also been using the phrase "if you will" quite a bit, and I can't tell if it makes me sound pretentious or not...oh well.)

yuri on ice: the queer love story that changed my life

yuri on ice: the queer love story that changed my life

I actually shivered a little from nervousness as I sat down to FINALLY write this post. This story is one that I've been wanting to write since all the way back in October, but for a long time, the ability to put it all into words had been eluding me, probably because, like I said up there, this show, this queer love story that I watched is solidly in the running with the top 5 most life changing experiences I've had. Within that top 5, I'd say that the life changing magnitude of this queer romance ranks higher than any formal church experience or anything else that's happened in a strictly "spiritual" context, which might surprise some people, especially other Christians.

And if you know me, you already know I'm talking about Yuri!!! On ICE.

queer christians, this is why we're here

queer christians, this is why we're here

Recently, I've been doing a lot of sighing. And I've been remarking to myself, either out loud or silently, that I've been really tired lately. Maybe even exhausted. The funny thing is that the fatigue isn't even necessarily physical. In fact, I think I feel the least tired when I'm in the middle of a workout. Instead, I think the majority of the weariness is mental and emotional.

There are plenty of good reasons for that of course. Working in the intersection of mental health and social services, there are endless opportunities to run yourself emotionally dry, and the process of differentiating yourself and your own emotions and circumstances from those of the clients you work with is draining in and of itself. But more than that, I think I've really been feeling the weight of what it means to just be in the world, and a question that often accompanies that weight is the question of why am I here? Why am I, a queer Asian kid studying at a seminary, of all places, to become a mental health therapist, here? Why am I here? 

one year anniversary

one year anniversary

I'll admit that this milestone crept up on me. So much has happened in the last year that I'd almost forgotten about this anniversary, but I suppose I'm not entirely surprised at the same time. Over the last twelve months, I've started a new job, started grad school to eventually become a therapist, dyed my hair silver (or white depending on the day), experienced the end of a really significant relationship, and even started going to church again. Amidst all the change, I almost didn't realize that I had also come up on my one year anniversary of

the white hair era: dyeing my hair and discovering i actually liked myself

the white hair era: dyeing my hair and discovering i actually liked myself

Late last summer, I finally did something I had told myself I was going to do for a long time. It didn't feel particularly profound or significant at the time. In fact, the only significant part of it was the thought that it would take *at least* a few months for it to all grow out again in the event I didn't like it. And if anything, I think it even felt a little childish. So, no, I wasn't running around with lofty philosophical ideas in my mind at the time, but I went ahead and dyed my hair silver/white anyway. I didn't know dyeing my hair was going to change my life.