Grad School

learning how to enjoy the journey

learning how to enjoy the journey

Despite what a random stretch of 90 degree days in the middle of September would lead you to believe, summer is coming to a close, school is back in full swing, and oddly enough, I’m finding myself feeling more than a little restless these days. And restlessness is an odd thing, because it would cause you to think that I’m not busy or that I don’t have enough to keep myself occupied, but that wouldn’t be true, even though I have cut back on some commitments coming into September.

No, with hundreds of pages of grad school reading due every week and still half a mental health social work case load to manage, among the myriad of other little responsibilities we each find ourselves with on the daily, weekly, and monthly, I’m definitely keeping myself busy, but somehow that hasn’t kept me from feeling restless or antsy or, dare I say, bored in some strange manner of speaking.

Sometimes, in times like these, this perplexes me, because while I do enjoy a good dose of spontaneity here and there, I’m definitely the kind of person who thrives more on routine and structure than anything else. And yet, here I am, in a position where the majority of major things in my life have remained more or less the same over the last year and a half, and I find myself craving some sort of drastic change because I’m feeling restless/antsy/bored. Perhaps more than anything, I’m profoundly experience the sensation of my own discontentedness.

burning bright & burning out

burning bright & burning out

I suppose you could say this is another one of those cliche blog posts about needing to take some time to rest and recollect myself, but here I am, writing it anyway, perhaps just because I need to remind myself that it's okay to slow down for a bit every once in a while. It's one of the things I simultaneously love and hate about myself. I'm the kind of person who believes I should be able to go blazing full throttle through life, doing absolutely everything at the same time without needing to take a break, and DEFINITELY without having a breakdown at some point in between. But that's not very realistic, is it? It probably has something to do with my Enneagram 3 wing that I find myself frequently leaning into, mostly when it comes to life things more than anything else.

Because why shouldn't I be able to work full time, do grad school full time, exercise every so often, actually see my friends and family, and have time to myself to process the high speed life I'm living without something breaking down? That's a small fraction of my internal dialogue on any given day, and I'm not necessarily saying it's a good thing.

hard reset: some thoughts on summer

hard reset: some thoughts on summer

Hi, hello, blogosphere! I'm back after a month long hiatus, thanks to first year grad school finals and all other chaotic things flying through life the second half of May. I'm not exactly sure what I'm back to say in this post exactly. All I know is a lot has been whirling through my head over the last month or so and I've been wanting to write again. So, here I am.

As I've seen a lot of friends I hadn't seen for a while over the last couple weeks (since OBVIOUSLY my social life also suffered in the midst of writing all my final papers and then just wanting to be a hermit for several days immediately after), people have been asking me how I've been doing and what my plans are for the summer since I don't have class. After doing that classic Minnesota (and Asian thing) where I mitigate the effect of having a free summer by saying that this will be my only class-free summer because I'll have class every summer after this one until I graduate, I've found myself at a slight loss for words. This isn't necessarily because I don't know what I want to do with this stretch of three months or because I don't have any definite goals, but it's more because I'm entering this summer in a completely different state of mind, emotions, a completely different state of everything than before, a hard reset if you will. (I've also been using the phrase "if you will" quite a bit, and I can't tell if it makes me sound pretentious or not...oh well.)

one year anniversary

one year anniversary

I'll admit that this milestone crept up on me. So much has happened in the last year that I'd almost forgotten about this anniversary, but I suppose I'm not entirely surprised at the same time. Over the last twelve months, I've started a new job, started grad school to eventually become a therapist, dyed my hair silver (or white depending on the day), experienced the end of a really significant relationship, and even started going to church again. Amidst all the change, I almost didn't realize that I had also come up on my one year anniversary of

another leg, another journey

another leg, another journey

It's kind of funny to think about the different times when writing actually calls to me by name. Usually, it's when I'm fired up by something, circumstances igniting a burning passion somewhere deep inside my soul that demands to be written about to alleviate it. Other times, it's quiet, quivering voice that asks to simply sit with it, perhaps scratching out a few words while I'm there. But this time, it's something more of a contented sigh, a quiet, understanding laugh as the summer yawns and stretches its arms, well aware that September has already arrived and that it won't be staying for an encore performance this year.