milestones and a spinning life compass

Disclaimer: These are some musings about how I feel in the days immediately following graduation and may or may not necessarily make sense or be cohesive in any way, shape, or form. Milestones have a way of turning things upside down, pulling them inside out, and then shaking them up, or maybe that’s just how I tend to feel about things like that. I keep thinking to myself that I haven’t really done anything yet, that I haven’t accomplished anything yet, and then I remind myself that college graduation was still less than a week ago, not weeks or months ago like I already feel it was. And then I have people tell me that I still have a lot of time to get wherever I think I’m going to go with life. That’s something that I think I need people to keep telling me until I actually internalize it, because I’m not going to lie, I’ve already laid awake in bed at night contemplating what course my life is going to take and stressing out about how I’m going to get to point A or point B or point J, and I haven’t even gotten a week away from graduation yet. I mean, let’s be real, I haven’t even gotten my actual diploma in the mail yet, and that’s probably not going to happen for another month or two anyway, so I guess I do have some of that time that people keep talking about. I keep thinking that I’m going a little crazy, and my sister even asked backhandedly asked me if I know how to relax. But then again, I suppose that’s how a lot of college grads are feeling right now, especially if you’re jobless, feeling a little aimless, and not debtless.

Then again, I’m not completely aimless. I have things that I’m doing and projects that I’m working on over the course of this summer and the next academic year when I won’t be in school. I’m finally picking up this blog again after all the hysteria that permeated senior spring semester, I’m learning French from the ground up, I’m attempting (and haven’t yet started) to re-learn the Mandarin that I learned last school year and get better at it, I’m playing piano again (real, written music) for the first time in probably four or five years, I’m going to try and sort through this idea for a novel that I’ve had floating around in my brain for about half of my life (no joke), and I’m also trying to fill the remainder of my time with tackling my reading list and some other LGBT advocacy related projects, among other things. Oh, and I’m slowly applying and interviewing for jobs, you know, since I’m graduated from college now and should probably be doing stuff like that.

But I think one of the biggest things that I’m torn over is the idea that I want to have this one last summer of freedom to do all the creative things that I want to do and the idea that I should probably start working and paying off my student loans sooner rather than later. That’s the logical and practical part of my brain in real deadlock with the creative and dreamer part of my brain.

So that’s where I am in the days comprising the immediate aftermath of graduation. There’s this strange and wonderful awareness of the complete infinity of possibilities for where life could take you, and also this terrible claustrophobia that says that you must do x, y, and z in order to have your life on the track that society says it should be on, because college graduation brings on the uneasy reality that regardless of whether or not you like it, money does sort of rule the world in a sick, twisted kind of way that you don’t quite realize until you have to start tiptoeing out into the real world. And that expedition out into the great unknown reveals a lot of other insecurities and uncertainties that you may not have had to deal with quite yet.

All of that being said, I’m still quite excited for what this year has in store. It’ll be an adventure that I can’t quite foresee, but I know that it’ll be good. So, having said that, I’m also trying to actually keep up this whole writing thing, so I’m hoping that I’ll have something up on here at least once a week, whether that’s a more creative piece or just a blog update. I think that I eventually want that to happen on a consistent day every week, but I suppose we’ll see which day it ends up being. I’m strangely picky about little things like that, but keep yourself current on that, which you can do by hitting subscribe, which will send you an email every time I post something new. This year will be a little crazy, and maybe you want in on that.

Until next time.